The Language of Feeling
As a therapist who specializes in and predominantly works with children and families who have experienced trauma and mental health challenges, I have become accustomed to working with individuals who experience immense difficulty feeling their feelings and sensing what is happening inside them. This happens because when big emotions hijack us, the part of our brain that controls our ability to communicate our experience is overshadowed by the emotional brain and can shut down, leaving us literally speechless in the moment, unable to express ourselves and to make good decisions.
It also makes it difficult (if not impossible) to describe and label feelings after the fact. This is how trauma operates and why it is preverbal—it can cause us to feel numb (hypoaroused), in addition to causing the part of our brain (Broca’s area) that allows us to put thoughts and feelings into words, to to go offline.
However, this is not only the case when we experience trauma, but anytime we are overwhelmed by what we sense or feel. The executive part of our brain doesn’t work well with strong emotions, and when we experience an intense emotional response, the emotional (limbic) part of our brain is only concerned with keeping us safe.
This is also why when we lose touch with what we are feeling or are unable to articulate what we are experiencing, our emotional brain gets away with convincing us to say and do things that we may regret later.
We can gain control over our reactions/responses and derail this train headed for disaster by trying to describe or name what we are feeling – whether to ourselves or out loud (i.e. “I am feeling angry” or “I feel like I could breathe fire like a dragon!”)—as soon as we notice that we are having a strong emotional reaction. Choosing words to describe subtle emotions jump-starts our executive brain and calms down our limbic brain. As we calmly hover over our emotions and observe them, we provide our executive brain with time to filter and organize our reactive and dramatic emotions. This grants us with a greater capacity to choose our response in the moment.
It is helpful to build our capacity to sit and be with strong emotions, otherwise we tend to become fearful of our emotions, especially anger, and shut them down. The cost of restricting our emotions is shutting down all emotion, including our sources of joy and pleasure. The trick is to strengthen our ability to monitor our emotions and body sensations by naming them so that we can effectively tame them—thereby preventing emotions from having the power to hijack our ability to think, make good decisions and feel joy!
Having a word or words to describe what you are feeling inside is very powerful for young children and it can help them feel like they have some control over strong emotions. To empower young people to feel in control and have a sense of mastery (confidence) over themselves (inner world) and their life experiences (outer world), we can teach them how to articulate what it is that they are experiencing inside of them, so that they can share it with trusted adults and allow them into their world of meaning (to help or just be with them). Reviewing feeling words and creating stories out of them, as well as sharing examples of how feelings may be experienced and when we may experience them is a great activity to engage in with children as young as 2 years old (i.e. Sometimes we feel scared when we are in a new environment and do not know anyone. Fear can feel like your heart is racing, your mouth is dry and/or your muscles are tense.)
For a complete List of Feeling Words to teach and use with your child, to help them learn how to label their feelings and sensations accurately, download this free List of Feeling Words I created.