Why Time-Ins are the New Time-Out
School is back in which means that stress, BIG emotions and challenging behaviours are back on the rise in many households. While Time-outs are a go-to for many adults hoping to correct a child’s behaviour, I often hear adults question if the strategy is effective, given that Time-outs commonly result in power struggles and because adults sometimes find themselves sending children on Time-outs multiple times a day or week, for the same behaviours! For this reason, I thought it would be helpful to discuss why Time-outs are not such an effective behaviour modification tool and how the lesser-known strategy of Time-ins can actually revolutionize discipline and be a game-changer for many families.
To ensure we are all on the same page, let’s begin by discussing what Time-outs are. A Time-out is when a child is sent somewhere alone, for a set amount of time, as a consequence for unacceptable behaviours. Adults usually withhold attention from the child to communicate that their behaviour is not acceptable. Although the threat of a Time-out can sometimes prevent a child from engaging in unwanted behaviours, once a child engages in a behaviour warranting a Time-out, this strategy offers few (if any) benefits.
To understand why, let’s look at Time-outs from the point of view of a child. Being sent away from adults can feel like abandonment and/or rejection, and may cause a child to feel frightened and confused, especially if they did not intend to behave in the manner they did. Considering children are not always fully in control of their behaviour, this may seem unfair. Time-outs also signal to children that they are only desirable when they conform to expectations and that they are literally unwanted when they cannot.
Time-outs are not helpful for teaching children life skills, such as emotional regulation or ‘right from wrong’, because they are punitive and therefore intended to inflict suffering (so that they act as a deterrent), rather than discipline. They are rooted in fear (just like making threats or yelling are) and are detrimental for children's developing brains. Research has linked regular fear-based experiences in children’s lives to mental health issues, externalizing behaviour and emotional dysregulation.
Time-ins, on the other hand, are intended to teach, rather than to punish—keeping in line with the true definition of discipline. They provide an opportunity for children who are having a difficult time to kindly be invited to sit down, near an adult, to express and navigate BIG feelings so that they can eventually calm down. These opportunities enable children to learn important life skills, develop their character (build confidence, responsibility, self-control) and to modify their behaviour. In this way, Time-ins protect children’s mental health and help adults develop and maintain loving and supportive relationships with children.
Time-ins also allow children to feel reassured that their needs are acknowledged, valid and important, that they are safe to process their feelings and that they do not need to hide them (many major issues are caused by children feeling the need to repress their emotions if they feel they cannot safely experience or express them) and that they are loved and wanted even when they experience BIG emotions (and will not be isolated, shamed or punished for them). Most importantly, Time-ins provide adults and children with an opportunity to talk about the real issues at hand and the emotions beneath the behaviours being exhibited, so that they can find a way to manage them appropriately. In this way, Time-ins provide an opportunity to learn important emotional intelligence skills, such as self-regulation.
During a Time-in, adults “connect to correct” by empathizing with the child’s feelings. This may involve physical comfort, having a conversation or quietly sitting beside a child until the child calms down. Some adults worry about the message it sends to children if they allow them to carry on with inappropriate behaviours. However, reacting to negative behaviours with negativity and anger (which punishment can be misconstrued as) leads to power struggles and tends to exacerbate the situation rather than facilitating problem-solving. Skeptical adults who enlist Time-ins quickly see for themselves how Time-Ins actually provide an opportunity for children to feel seen, heard and understood, which is a prerequisite for children to cool down and address whatever circumstances are upsetting them, as well as learn to prevent similar challenges in the future.
Here are some tips for navigating disciplinary challenges with children using Time-ins:
While it’s normal to be angry when you feel hurt or disappointed by a child’s behaviour, remember that children’s behaviours are always an attempt to express how they are feeling or to meet their needs. Talk to them to try and uncover what needs they are trying to meet through their behaviour so that you can help them discover appropriate ways to meet their needs and/or express their feelings.
When a child is in the midst of experiencing BIG emotions, they cannot hear logic or reason. The part of the brain that thinks logically literally shuts down, as does their ability to put what they are experiencing into words. Therefore, asking them what is bothering them is not helpful. To help the part of the brain that controls reason and problem-solving to start functioning again, listen to the child, acknowledge what they are feeling (do not minimize their feelings!) and encourage them to label what they’re experiencing (check out my article on how to do this here). Reflect their feelings for them if they are unable to do so or are at a loss for words (i.e. “You seem really angry that you lost the game”).
Find a place where you can sit together (preferably undisturbed) to work things out, whether in a specially designated corner of the house (i.e. Calm Down Corner), your child’s bedroom or on the couch.
If you notice that the child needs more time to calm down, play together. Engage in deep breathing activities (I have some great ones here), draw a picture of what upset them, or just dance! Connect with the child so that you can help them calm down and get into a positive frame of mind to teach and problem solve.
After the child calms down, it is important to debrief with them and to discuss their behaviour. Invite them to talk about what happened and why their behaviour was inappropriate. Discuss the feelings of others involved in the situation that were affected (including yourself) to help the child develop empathy. You may also want to review rules that were broken or expectations that were not met, yet always maintain your focus on how the child can improve next time – reinforcing their responsibility for their behaviour (i.e. What can you do next time instead of saying hurtful things when you’re upset?”) If the child is stuck, provide some ideas.
Talk with the child about how they can make amends when their actions have hurt others. I personally and professionally advise adults not to force children to apologize because when children do not initiate an apology, and don’t truly feel apologetic, it defeats the purpose, and the apology may end up offending the person it’s being offered to. I prefer to ask children “How can you make this situation better?” When children come up with their own solutions, they are usually more genuine and heartfelt – and the child is more likely to feel control over the situation and their behaviour.
While discipline is as unique to a child and their family as the child and family are, these are some suggestions based on my experience over the last decade working with diverse children and their families, as well as the latest research in child development. In all cases, what is important for adults to recognize is that when a child is struggling with how they are feelings or their behaviour, they are in need of our guidance, love, compassion, patience and presence more than ever. I am reminded of a quote by Pam Leo that concisely wraps up this article— “Children need love most when they appear to deserve it least.”